I'm sorry...

Why does this always happen to me.
The pain kicks in only after awhile, and it sucks. I think I'm okay at first, but after sometime everything just comes rolling in - the missing, the longing to talk to you, the feeling that I've lost you. I want you back but that'll be selfish. Very selfish. I have so many things I wanna do with you, and I know the first person I wanna tell something interesting to would be you. But I can't do it anymore. All I can do now is to stab myself and ask why didn't I treasure you when I had you.
I've dealt with this before, and I can deal with it again. Study hard and enjoy life to the fullest ;) I'll be waiting for the day that you'll come back to me.

I never used to have this feeling.

I feel like I'm immersed in deep shit most of the time. Alright, all the time. For some awkward reason out there, I refuse to do work... When I do I skim through it, giving as much effort needed simply just to complete the assignment. I don't take pride in my work; I'm getting lazier by the day. Maybe my mom was right to scold me. To say those... stuff. Maybe my performance has deteriorated. Nowadays I get home, slack around on my mac, watch some tv, eat my dinner and subsequently, without fail, fall asleep on my couch. I don't mean to, but my brain shuts down without my consent. Then I get thrashed up by my mom afterwards. The feeling really sucks, I wanna go back to the old me. The hardworking me. I think this is mostly due to my change in attitude towards my studies...

I used to be able to kope with school work, despite the little setbacks here and there. But now it's just totally different. The jump from sec 2 to sec 3 is too great for me to handle. I'm not one who can handle stress/failure easily... I think I got greatly affected by my mid-term grades, even though I thought I've already mentally prepared myself in the December holidays.

I used to think that studies were important, that anything was possible as long as you try your best and work towards your goal. But now, my simple wish is to float by sec 3, then work my ass off in sec 4. I've lost interest in school, in my grades and I'm slowly falling behind.

Bad move.

I skipped school today. But I had my reasons I guess.
1. STC camp over the weekend totally drained my energy and deprived me of the sleep I needed so badly. I'm guessing my sleep debt's over 20hours or something. (Yeah there's such thing as a sleep debt, go google it >D)
2. I've tons of work to finish, TONS of revision to do and most importantly my last PT (YES IT'S THE LAST WOOHOOOO) to complete... by next week.
3. There's some emergency evacuation drill thing today from 9.30am to 3.30pm and hell no am I going through that... It's just crap waking up at 5.30am to run around aimlessly in school to run away from some fire that isn't even happening. Hahaha I know it's for the greater good, but I really have no more energy left. :(

Despite my attempt to finish my work in these hours that I supposedly should've had fire drill, I'm nothing near done. All I've done is go through 'Coordinate Geometry' and finish my maths assignment. Great, 1 job done, thousands more to go.

I've realised this mac has NO GOOD TO ME NO GOOD NO GOOOOOOOOD!! It should perish from the surface of the Earth and burn in hellllll burnnnnn.... And so... I've told my mom that I would stay back in school on some days to finish my work before coming home. So as to prevent me from slouching on the (oh so comfortable) couch; facebooking; watching tv. And instead study in a conducive environment. I swear studying in school's 101 times better than studying in my living room (there's my TV right smack infront of me, my couch which possesses this magical force of gravity which draws only me to it, and stacks of blank paper for me to draw on) or my kitchen (the table's swarmed with my unfiled, unorganized worksheets, plus biscuits sweets foods ohso delicioussss foods scattered everywhere AND my fridge on my right... ouch ahhaaha. Though I must say the trip to the toilet is superr convenient ;D)

Perhaps this is why my friend gets to score such high marks; she stays back almost everyday. Whenever I'm leaving I'll see her on her mac, but who knows what she does when she's alone >D... AND SO I'M ACCOMPANYING HER YEAHH

But if she's not there then... Being alone in the classroom isn't a problem either. Solitude is awesome (Y)

I hope I'll stick to my superfragilisticexpialidocious idea up there ;D And hopefully catch up in class.

OH and one more thing, I've been really tired in class these few days and minimum information is being sucked in, so I'm aiming to sleep much earlier too. Latest 12am ;)
And SOMEONEEE should do the same too. The golden period of rest is from 10pm to 2am! Remember! The golden perioddddd. And I know what you're thinking, no there's no such thing as the silver nor the bronze period.

Summary thus far:
1. Stay back in school to finish up undone work instead of slacking around at home doing absolutely... interesting stuff.
2. Sleep at latest 12am so as to absorb valuable information during classes.

Okay sorry if I'm abit wols but I just realised sec 3 is actually a very important year :'(


I promise myself not to get too worked up/ stressed up/ affected by my failures (time and again). Like what I told my beloved Yuannie, "if you've worked very hard once but yet you fail, try again cause one day you're sure to succeed. Jiayou <3!">D

頑張っています！

Hai thar.

I know you'd think I've gone crazee but
AAAAAaaAAAaAaaaaAAAAAaAAaaAAaaAAaAAAaaaAAAAaAAaAAaaAAAAAaAaaaAaaaaAAAAAAaa is there a caps lock here?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I can do it.
I mean, how bad can things get? :)

Open it already.

I guess I can blame it all on stress.
When I think I've so much to do, so much to cover, so many other things waiting for me, I hold strong and I fight till the end. I refuse to break down and let the feelings overflow. I refuse to unscrew that bottlecap.

But when I let go of my duties/ priorities... I can feel it coming. Then I get scared and screw the bottlecap back on.

When will this vicious cycle ever end?

Emo one here

Ahhh I haven't felt this way in... kinda long time. It's always this sinking feeling that stays with me, even my sleep-mood-resetter can't cure. It's where I've to fake a smile everywhere I go, but deep inside I'm dying and tearing up, into smithereens.

For the hundredth time, I don't wanna lose you. I don't want you to leave me. You're an awesome friend, I've grown attached to you, but it can't work out; that far.

I know it's hard to wait, it's hard to wait and pretend that there's nothing at the same time. But if you can't do it then I really don't know what to do.

I'm sorry I get my feelings mixed up so easily. I'm sorry I've let you down. I'm sorry it has to come to this. Maybe telling you what I'm feeling or what I felt was a bad idea. If only we could, not talk so much, talk only when we're free or something. I'll gladly accept this wonderful friendship. But that's not the case and I'm positive this is going down a bad route... This isn't going well, and so I'm trying to change the route. Sadly it's a very wrong move and instead am pushing it down a route even worse than before.

Please understand. But if you don't see it to be worth, then... all I've to say is,

I'm sorry.


If you think you can handle it, if you think that you're ready for this, to maintain a simple friendship for 4years, please come talk to me. I'll be waiting for you.
P.S.: Please don't control it. If you wanna talk to me, go ahead. My arms are open wide.

I treasure the times we shared. Haha I really do. I hope you feel the same.

HUNDREDTH POST

BOOKED LOL

99th post! Hohohoho

I know I'm plunging myself into deep shit. Getting deeper each day. But I can't get myself out; I can't bring myself to. I mean when I'm there, I think all's well and fine, I'm happy when I'm there. I'll think that all these talking and such would only last a moment, then I'll do my work, but it never happens. I get distracted so easily, my mind runs far away over the ocean over the deep blue sea, to you. A thousand miles away from my priorities as a student. But when I'm not, I just feel that this isn't gonna bring me any good... Everyday I wake up and think of all the work undone. I think of how far this is going and how it has to stop. Then so at that point in time you approach me, and all I do is to try to push you away. And then again, I'll hurt you. Truth be told I really don't know what to do. I can already feel myself sliding faster and faster away from my work and priorities, and I know this isn't good :/
I just want it to pause and not go any further, but I don't know how to do it without hurting you, I still want you by my side but not... going that far.

I mean, I don't know how it's like to like someone. Does liking someone mean not wanting him/her to disappear from your life? But at the same time feeling okay when he/she's not talking to you? Or sometimes even relieved so that you can do your work and throw away those rocks weighing you down? (Cause rocks get constantly thrown on me everyday, I used to deal with them well but now I'm under this avalanche; I wanna get out!!) Does liking someone mean to get distracted/ scared/ worried when he/she's almost out of your life and you'll just plunge in recklessly to salvage him/her?

Or are these just examples proving that I'm just liking the person, perhaps as a brother or a really really good friend?

I really don't know, but I'm sticking with you being a brother. I don't wanna lose you, I just want you to treat me the same.

---

I actually think of you most of the time. I can't help it, I mean I don't know why. I wonder when you'll be back, and in the mean time I can do my work nicely. I'm not sad, neither am I hurt, I just want you back here with me. But the thing is, I can't picture myself with you... (yet?)
Talking to you is like talking to someone I've known for quite long, maybe 2years or something, but hold and behold, I've only known you for 2 months. Though I can feel that our friendship will last longer than that, it's just fascinating how I feel this way :)

I keep thinking today's Sunday. Hais me and my screwed up body clock :( I feel as if I went to Singapore Quarry the day before haha.

I LOVE MY IPOD TOUCH IT CAME ON THURSDAY, 15TH JULY 2010! <3
Flooding it with songs now. And mind you, they're all from albums. I'm a good law-abiding girl :)

Hee

Ha I feel like this is close to a replica of someone's blog >D But here goes.

Brain: It cannot be, it's impossible. I mean, 4 years? Nobody's ever gonna wait that long. Anybody who's ever gone 'I'll wait' has NEVER waited. So I've never wished/hoped that it would.
Heart: Will it be possible? Lol cause I don't know... It COULD be possible.
Brain: All I know is it shouldn't be thought of until university. Nothing should be. And I don't wanna wait for nothing either... 4 years is a long time, a long loooooooong time, many new things/ people will come into our lives.
It's only been a month plus, things are still fragile, anything can change. I know that things are possible to change OVERNIGHT and boy was it freaky. So there's still that thick thick heavy-duty wall between me and anything to do with the matter of the heart (i built it 3 years ago ^^v), and I don't wanna fall into that HOLE again. Then get dumped in there forever and ever, till the day I finally wreck/ bruise/ cut/ disfigure my fingers/ feet/ limbs scraping against the walls of the hole and finally climb out. Now I've started life over, back to my old self, and I don't wanna get back in that hole of DEATHHHH. Been there done that, don't wanna do it ever again.
Heart: But I never do want to lose you as a friend. I mean when I met you I felt like I've met you for longer than just a month. And it's weird...
Brain: Thing is, I don't know how it feels like to like someone. Yeah I know that's weird but I DON'T KNOW :O I still have doubts about you. I can feel that you're making more and more advancements as days pass, and I'm getting scared over that. Plus, it isn't time. 4 years later is, I mean if it were to be 4 years later everything would be so different, but look at my first thought, up there.

So conclusion:
I'm staying stagnant and rejective. (this isn't word, right? hahaha) Just don't get mad at me... You still have the freedom to search the world for better fishes. Go go go I'm not worth it the wait.

Yawn

This would be my 97th post hehe. Wonder what I'll do with the 100th post. OHWELL it's not like I'll win anything for the 100th post, nothing's special about it.

I don't wanna face reality. How nice it would be to just sleep and only wake up when you feel like it. How nice would it be if humans didn't need food to survive. There wouldn't be economic problems/ politics/ wtv shit. And most importantly, all the greatest, most stressed points of my life would've been over, and I wouldn't die from starvation.

akdlfjadlk;fjaoifbkenafeioaguahlekajfae;f

Sorry for that keyboard spam... I'm falling asleep every 5 seconds, getting irritated by myself.

I've always thought I was a good friend. But it seems that that isn't the case. Thinking about stuff, I've always been poking my nose into stuff and irritating the crap out of people. If someone I trust refuses to tell me something I'll just probe and probe and probe and probe and probe and probe and and probe and probe....

Obviously people will start disliking me and think I'm oversensitive. Lost quite a few friends like this already. But really I'm just curious and I care/ want to know you better. I respect that you don't wanna tell me stuff, but I can't assure you I won't get hurt hohoho.

BUT DON'T WORRY IF I'M ASKING FOR TOO MUCH I'LL BACK OFF, after awhile when I've knocked myself into senses.

I've always had very high expectations for friends, I thought best friends tell each other everything about themselves, past and present, possibly future. No secrets no lies. But I guess I should step out of my fantasy life... now. Let reality hit me already. Bring it on.

...Wait, it already did.

Today was... interesting. HAHAHAHA
And I'm so exhaustedd~ Whoo can't wait till the end of week 5 ^_______^v

I suck... lollipops.

Sometimes I really hate myself for my sucky self-confidence. Argh... Blame it on my primary school. Or rather blame it all on me for overloading on milo in my primary school days. Oh the chocolatey goodness yum.
I've been insulted, poked fun at, humiliated and hurt. I tell myself I'm fine now but then it all goes tumbling back down into the drain when a little setback pops up in my way. I try to fight it down but it's not easy. Not after something happens to you. Like for example you missing the ball during a fun game of captain's ball, and some guy on your team (who you thought was a nice friend) goes "YOU SO FAT DON'T PLAY LA!". Yeah laugh all you want, cause I don't think it's funny. It's been I think 5-6 years since that happened and I think the scar should be protruding and ugly by now, after its been healed then ripped apart time and again over the last few years.

I wanna stop this nonsense. I try to find people to help me, to salvage this. But when I do, they leave and throw me right back down to earth. Or maybe even through the multi-layers of the earth's crust. Or maybe a mile away from the earth's centre. I think I'd have died there anyway cause you know how hot the centre of the Earth is but WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?

Shit this low metabolism rate. Shit my diet plan in primary 6 which totally screwed up my growth. Shit this stupid 'confidence' of mine.

I'm beautiful and I know it...
nah... who am I kidding here?

TGIF!! ...which leads us closer to project deadlines :) Yippee how interesting!
おやすみなさい。

P.S.:日本語は楽しいですか。来週のテストはとても難しいと思いますよ :(　先生！助けてください！

Ohno...

Looks like I can't keep my promise. I can't stop a quarrel, no matter how I try to, cause it takes that mutual feeling. And I don't know where that mutual feeling is. Everything I say or do pisses you off. Just tell me what to do... Please. I can't read your mind.
Please stop doing this to me.

SOMEONE GET ME A MAP HERE >D

Whoooooo~

I must say, this M16 course I just went to was the best course ever.
1. It's darn short.
2. It's actually a short walk away from the carpark but because we screwed the location up i think I just walked an extra 2.4km carrying my hell of a heavy bagload with my arms. Yeowch.
3. It's actually not boring! I mean there was tons of hands on and I really like that gun >D

And one more thing, I love my mood resetter. It works wonders! Haha~

I'm exhausted but I've my transcript to edit. Sheesh, can I just bribe my sister with Fish&Co. again? :D

Nooooo

All I want now is to pass.

And give it up already, things will never be the same as before. Things won't be alright. There won't be anybody there to listen to me. They're either too annoyed at me (cause when I feel terrible, I don't tell it, instead I try to compress it and it just comes out baaaaaad), or they're just sick of me. Things aren't so simple anymore. I don't have the time to sit down and talk anymore (like primary school days, oh man recesses were heaven) cause everybody's minds are filled with 'tuition later', 'test later', 'omgwtfbbq something's gonna happen'. I know I'm selfish but I would appreciate it if there was someone out there who would listen, and really listen. Cause whenever I'm getting to the ultimate point he/she will change topic/ get distracted etc.

Oh wth am I saying, what do I even want? I don't even know what's going on. Pssh. Nevermind, I'll go for my daily mood reset later.. I think an hour later. Or more. And it's 1.02am now. Heeheeeeee.

“Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.” -Bill Keane

I just gotta treasure what I've now.

Hey look, the cup's half full! *Gulps* ...Now it's empty. Haha.
I can't believe I still have the time to blog hahahaah. I guess since no one's here for me, at least my blog is.

I'm sick of quarreling, I promise not to get into one again, cause all I'll do is to give in. If I get annoyed I'll slap myself/ bang my head against the wall if I have to, anything to stop myself from retaliating. It's better that way hee. (Sometimes I really get annoyed I can't help it either... But if you read one of my old old oldddd post, I once said that I'm the kind who flares up easily but cools down fast. Heh.) To hell with my pride, you're on the 'important to me' list now.

I swore never to think about anything relating to BGR stuff, and I'll keep to it. Ha but surprisingly as the days pass, the more I wanna see you. But wth, it's not like I'm able to. Maybe I'm just curious. Ha curiousity killed the cat. And trust me, it's nothing related to BGR thingy, though it sounds like it due to awkward sentence structures. My english reeks okay? :( I can't express myself properly in words too. It's like, some stuff I'm writing here aren't entirely true. I don't know. What. I. Want. Sheeeeeesh me.

I think I'm stupid. It's like my brain can't progress chunks and chunks of paragraphs. After like 1 line I start to drift away... What do I do what do I do what do I do?! And how many 'I's have I used in this blog post? Ha plenty. Sucks I don't want another blog post like this. Go pour cold water on yourself or something lisa.

You hurt me, allll the time. But rest assure, we both know it won't kill the friendship we have between us. I mean, what's a friendship without quarrels? :P

Then again, I hope nobody's faithful to my blog.